This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
