I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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