so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i've created a new STD.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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