I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
