"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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