Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
