Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
