I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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