Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
