i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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