so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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