Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
