I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
