note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well I just put wine in my tea
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
