I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
