Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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