I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
