I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
