Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
