I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
