I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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