yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
