thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
