You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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