So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
