i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
