Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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