Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
