My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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