So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
