I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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