I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
