sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
