Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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