My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
