I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
