I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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