A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
