he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
