I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
