I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
