I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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