Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
