please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
