Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
