dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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