FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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