I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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