I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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