My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
