You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
