who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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