So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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