FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
