My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
